Bertie basks as two Brians feel thoroughly scrambled

DÁIL SKETCH:A PD councillor joined Fine Gael yesterday. Then news swept Leinster House that Charlie Bird is migrating to America.

It's just one bombshell after another. We can't keep up.

Thank heavens for the economic crisis. In these uncertain times, the nation needs a sense of normality. It was business as usual in the Dáil.

Continuity was supplied by Taoiseach Brian Cowen who informed the House that we don't know where we're going, but we'll know when we get there.

Or as he preferred to put it, "this is an evolving situation". Pity. The general consensus was that Brian should keep his hair the way it is. He got a smart new cut over the weekend.

At least Biffo didn't have to endure a photographer outside the barber's shop, trying to sneak a picture through the window of him with his head in the sink.

Poor Mary Harney wasn't so lucky. The Minister for Health paid a visit to a salon on Monday, and a photo of her with her hair dripping and a towel around her shoulders was published in a morning newspaper.

Mary had the sympathy of every female in Leinster House, appalled at the thoughts of such an intrusion into what is always a difficult time for a woman.

And then another councillor defected from the PDs. In the scale of terrible things, this was minor compared to the hair salon atrocity. Harney has already said her prayers over the mortal remains of the PDs, and Cllr Cáit Keane had the decency to remain in the party until the expiry date had passed.

So before the day's business began in Leinster House, IndaKinny presided over a happy photocall in Fine Gael headquarters, welcoming Cllr Keane to the party fold.

Times may be hard after so many years in Opposition, but to underline the mood of celebration, they went mad and laid on a plate of Club Milks.

There were a lot of photographers, lured, no doubt, by the promise that Enda would be "unveiling" Cáit on the steps in Mount Street. Unless it rained. Then the procedure would be carried out indoors. She would have caught her death.

For Cáit's first official day as a blueshirt, she posed with Dublin South deputies, Alan Shatter and Olivia Mitchell. "I'm a realist," she said, bravely.

Meanwhile, Kenny was at pains to stress his party was not hunting down vulnerable PDs. In fact, the homeless and disorientated PDs are throwing themselves on the traps.

It wasn't long, though, before thoughts turned to "The Crisis".

"When I was called at 13 minutes to seven on Tuesday morning, I said that Fine Gael would stand by the economy," he quivered. You're nothing in Leinster House these days if you haven't had your sleep disrupted by the plight of our distressed bankers. IndaKinny was determined not to be left out.

After the metaphorical unveiling of the former PD councillor, the troops returned to Kildare Street.

Once there, they will have come across a press release from Sinn Féin's Arthur Morgan, who is his party's spokesman on their latest relationship with the banks. Sinn Féin has always enjoyed a unique relationship with banks.

"Morgan to set out minimum terms and conditions acceptable to Sinn Féin for deal with Irish banks," said the press release.

The financial institutions must have been agog. In their hour of need, were they going to get some of their money back?

Contemplation of "The Crisis" continued at Leaders' Questions, as the Opposition continued to press for details of the guarantee scheme.

"The scheme has not yet been approved by the Government. It's still at an advance stage of work being done on it," Brian Cowen told Enda.

"We are not out of the woods at this stage," he added, while deputies silently prayed that we won't end up savaged before the end of this particular teddy bears' picnic.

The other Brian - in Luxembourg - was in everyone's thoughts during the exchanges. "I think the Minister for Finance is reflecting on the issues that have been put to him in the finalisation of the detailed scheme," explained the Taoiseach.

But we must not forget, the situation is evolving all the time. Evolving to such an extent that the provisional deadline for presenting details of the scheme to the Dáil appears to have moved from tomorrow's session to sometime next week.

Never mind, for a celebrity arrived in the chamber late in the afternoon, providing a break from thoughts of the economy.

The House was treated to a rare visit from "The Office of Bertie Ahern". He hasn't been seen in the place since he bowed out of office.

Bertie came in for the Dáil's official expressions of sympathy on the death of Séamus Brennan.

Given the welcome he got, Bertie might be inclined to visit more often. He was mobbed by wellwishers in Kildare Street as he made his way to the gates, and a group of besotted ladies on a day trip fell on him as soon as he reached the main hall.

Once inside the chamber, the former taoiseach settled himself in the back row and looked around, like the daytrippers do in the public gallery.

After the many fine tributes were paid to Séamus, Bertie made his way out, surrounded by deputies who clapped him on the back and shook his hand.

He headed off to the restaurant and had chops and loads of chat for his tea.

The two Brians prepared to go to a Cabinet meeting, brains scrambled by the bankers. God love them. No wonder Bertie looked happy.