‘My girlfriend wants me to bring myself to orgasm during sex’

Dear Roe,

My partner and I have a rocky sex life. We don’t have intercourse very often and when we do, it’s filled with foreplay from my end. But in the past six months, it’s been predominantly her having orgasms and me being left to “finish myself off”.

She was a virgin when we got together and she doesn’t know an awful lot about sex, even though I have taught her all I possibly could, being a guy and what not. How can I convince her to let me orgasm too and both reach climax? It’s quite a bad feeling, I genuinely don’t like it. Is what she’s doing right?

I want to draw your attention to the language you are using, because clear, open and gentle communication is going to be the key here, and to address this issue, it will be important not to slip into the language of blame or resentment. The fact that you are your girlfriend’s first sexual partner feels important, as she is still discovering her own wants, needs and boundaries around sex, and it is particularly vital that you are aware and considerate of that, and communicate with respect.

‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’

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‘I need constant reassurance from my girlfriend – and it’s pushing her away’

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Delia Ephron’s second chance at life after loss

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You say that you want your girlfriend to “let you orgasm and both reach climax” – but this doesn’t actually seem to be the issue. Your girlfriend does want you to orgasm, but she is encouraging you to bring yourself to climax after some sexual activity with her. That’s a big difference, and it will be important to remain aware of this distinction. It may be that her tone is very dismissive or uncaring, which could of course be upsetting, but her asking you to bring yourself to orgasm is not inherently a problem – indeed, many couples engage in masturbation together as part of a healthy, connected sex life, and many people enjoy having some sexual activity with their partner before bringing themselves to orgasm.

The issue is that you would like your girlfriend to play a bigger role in bringing you to orgasm, whether through penetrative sex or other sex acts, and to be more enthusiastic and generous in her efforts. This may seem to you like a simple request, but it’s important to remember that communication, trust, safety, confidence, preference, physical comfort, boundaries and even the dynamics of play, exploration and encouragement are all playing a role here. There is a huge factual, tonal and relational difference between saying, “You don’t let me orgasm” and “I would love for us to orgasm together, or for me to be able to orgasm during sex with you – it’s sexy and intimate and really enjoyable for me. How do you feel about that?”

Your desire to orgasm during penetrative or oral sex with her doesn't mean that she has to be comfortable with that

Creating a safe and non-judgmental space to discuss your sex life, asking your girlfriend about how she feels and really listening to the answers will be illuminating. Keep an open and compassionate mind, and remain open to the endless possibilities that could be at play. If, as you imply, this is a shift in your sex life and she used to be more enthusiastic about bringing you to orgasm, it may be that there’s been a shift for her in the relationship and she’s setting some boundaries within your sex life to reflect that.

She may not be feeling as connected to you – or she is actually feeling more empowered in the relationship and is no longer doing things she may never have enjoyed. It may be that she’s not confident or comfortable in performing particular sex acts that you enjoy and some encouragement or modification would be helpful.

You may last longer during penetrative sex than is physically comfortable for her, and so taking breaks and masturbating or saving penetrative sex to when you’re closer to orgasm may work for her. She may be experiencing some physical and/or mental health issues that are making penetrative sex or sexual activity more generally less comfortable or arousing for her. It may also be simply that she has boundaries around you finishing inside or on her that you are overlooking – anxiety over birth control, sexual health precautions or simply general preference.

Remember that you are her first sexual partner and she has her own boundaries. Your desire to orgasm during penetrative or oral sex with her doesn’t mean that she has to be comfortable with that. You may be able to figure out ways to respect her boundaries while still enjoying sex, or not. This may be a dealbreaker for you, but remember in your conversations that there’s a difference between acknowledging and accepting an incompatibility and blaming or pushing her to do something she is not comfortable with.

If your girlfriend is open to this discussion and wants to work with you to feel more aligned during sex, I’d encourage you to think about what exactly about this dynamic is creating a “bad feeling” that you don’t like. When explaining this to her, try to articulate this in ways that flip the script, so that you’re not blaming her, but explaining what makes you feel good.

For example, if you prefer to orgasm with her, explain why by focusing on what you enjoy about that, expressing that you love the feeling of physical and emotional intimacy. Or tell her that when you see her really invested in your sexual pleasure and wanting to be a part of it, it’s sexy and makes you feel wanted and attractive and appreciated. As you explain your experience, be sure that you are also remaining open to hearing hers.

See if you can both commit to open, exploratory communication both in your conversations, and in your sex life. You say that you have “taught” your girlfriend some things, but have you both explored sex and your bodies and preferences to see what else you may enjoy? Have you tried different ways of touching each other and approaching sexual acts outside of what you have “taught” her, based on your specific sexual experience? Doing so may help you both discover what you enjoy and create a new shared sexual language, rather than limiting your sexual experiences to what you alone have enjoyed in the past.

To do so, you’ll have to both feel incredibly safe both being open and vulnerable with each other, expressing your preferences and limits, and hearing and respecting each other’s boundaries. Focus on building up this sense of safety, intimacy and trust in your relationship generally before trying to move it to your sexual life. You’ll feel the benefits in every facet of your relationship.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe