The self-critic in your head seems to have a life of its own

“Oh, you should talk to my inner critic.” That was actor Helena Bonham Carter’s response when Guardian interviewer Tim Lewis remarked that, “Your career hasn’t had too many dips has it?”

She went on to say that Anthony Hopkins, one of the most recognisable actors on the planet, was always surprised when somebody gave him a new job. Bonham Carter, who played Princess Margaret in The Crown, was, I think, expressing the reason we all need to practise compassion towards ourselves. If stars with exceptionally successful careers are afflicted by a lack of belief in themselves, what chance do the rest of us have?

This isn’t just about impostor syndrome, where people feel that in reality they are not up to the job that they are doing and probably doing pretty well. Of course, impostor syndrome is an expression of this malady. But the inner critic might also attack a parent, telling them they’re a terrible father or mother even though their children adore them.

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Freud suggested that everybody has a harsh critic in their head regardless of whether their parents have been loving or harsh. So the self-critic almost seems to have a life of its own. Perhaps that is why in the past decade or so the idea of being compassionate towards yourself has become more popular. It’s popular, I think, because though it’s hard to do, it’s what we really need. Impossible role models are put up to us – and don’t blame Instagram: the rise of celebrity culture can be traced back to the increasing popularity of newspapers and magazines in the late 19th century. Social media just attached rocket engines to what was already there.

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People are encouraged to be a good friend to themselves no matter what happens, even when they fail ignominiously

So our role models themselves have that voice in their heads telling them that they are not good enough. While celebrity culture made the problem worse, the conclusions of Freud and other major psychologists suggest that this self-attacking was always part of the human psyche.

What to do? It’s not a question of eliminating the inner critic – completely getting rid of ingrained tendencies is very difficult. In the self-compassion movement, people are encouraged to counter all of this by pledging to be a good friend to themselves no matter what happens, even when they fail ignominiously. Your job is to be a friend to yourself at that time also, and not only when the rest of the world is applauding you. If you had a “friend” in real life who limited their friendship to those occasions when you succeeded and who turned on you when you failed, you wouldn’t think much of them.

If you go to work every day in a job you hate but which supports you and your family, you could easily attack yourself for not having the dream job. On the other hand – and this is where self-compassion comes in – you could give yourself credit for the sacrifice you are making on behalf of your family. Along with that pledge to be a friend to yourself, you can accept that in a planet of 8 billion people, huge numbers of others have successes and failures similar to yours.

Self-compassion is a virtue, whatever your inner critic may say

Moreover, their feelings, positive and negative, are similar to yours. This helps to remove that isolated feeling that “I am the only person who has failed in this way, the only person who hasn’t made the most of their life”.

By the way, there’s no evidence that self-compassion makes you feckless and irresponsible – unless you are already feckless and irresponsible, and I don’t think you can blame that on self-compassion. Self-compassion is a virtue, whatever your inner critic may say. One of Groucho Marx’s best known quotes is that he wouldn’t join any club that would have him as a member. I wonder why that’s so popular? Is it because it reflects, in a funny way, a deep-seated feeling most of us have, not just about clubs, but about ourselves.

Maybe even for Groucho, it wasn’t just a joke.

• Padraig O’Morain (Instagram, Twitter: @padraigomorain) is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His books include Acceptance: Create Change and Move Forward; his daily mindfulness reminder is available free by email (pomorain@yahoo.com).