Stigma: ‘I wish I hadn’t internalised so much of it’

I’ve spoken about stigmatisation in previous articles and the damage it does. Not only does stigma negatively affect the public perception of mental health, but it also hinders people in their journeys to get better.

Many studies have confirmed stigmatisation to be a barrier to accessing support. As someone who has grown up with several challenging mental health issues, I always felt avoided When I was raw and open, it was always the wrong thing to say. It was as if I was an embarrassment to be around.

[ What not to say to somebody who’s opening up about mental health problems ]

Sharing my thoughts and feelings made me a mood killer. Speaking of the fears I had or opening up about why I wasn’t able to do something made me uncool. It was as if a mark of shame was placed on me and people assumed me to be incapable, unintelligent and, overall, not good enough. During most of my childhood and teenage years I didn’t feel good enough or worthy of being on this planet. Moreover, I felt I was a burden to everyone. This mainly came as a result of people not validating or empathising with my feelings.

The lack of care generally made me feel as though I did not matter and was a disappointment. My experiences with stigma remain with me and the beliefs and thoughts that come with it are hard to shake. Unfortunately, these experiences occurred during my developmental years, where I was still finding myself and my self-esteem was low. Anything anyone would say about me, I would believe them. For years I internalised the stigmatisation.

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Engaging in this self-stigmatisation has made it more difficult for me to accept, love and appreciate myself. These are challenges I still struggle with. Despite being successful in my career life, having a supportive network and everything I need to live a comfortable and happy life, the beliefs of not being adequate, incapable and unworthy of time and energy remain with me. Even with years of counselling and sessions with psychologists, I still struggle to fully rewire my thinking.

Unfortunately, when I have a particularly bad day or anxiety attack they can become intrusive. Sometimes it is impossible to shut down the cycle of unwelcome thoughts. People act like it is easy to love yourself but it is difficult when self-hatred is all you have known. For as long as I can remember I have been desperate to trade places with someone else.

Stigmatisation powers, drives and encourages overthinking

That’s not to say other people don’t go through things too, everyone has their challenges. It’s not a “the grass is always greener” case either; I would do anything to jump out of my chaotic mind and into a much more calm one. Few people understand what it is like to live this way; to question, overanalyse and highlight everything you do, say and think, whether it is good or bad. The smallest mistakes or human errors are magnified and the cycle can remain active for days, weeks, even months.

I have beaten myself up and treated myself as an outcast; mimicking the behaviour of others who had stigmatised me in the past

Overthinking is like taking part in a mind Olympics; you do so much to safeguard and protect yourself but in the end, you are exhausted with your batteries beyond depleted. Stigmatisation powers, drives and encourages overthinking. Those who are anxious or chronic overthinkers feel a need to fit in, impress and prove their worth, even if it is to strangers who do not matter or make a difference to their life.

Overthinking also acts as a process to ensure the individual’s safety, to guarantee the experience is not triggering or more harmful. The need to please makes it almost impossible not to stigmatise ourselves in the process, which does not help us any further on our healing journey. My experience with self-stigmatisation has meant I have been my own worst enemy and critic for several years.

[ We need to stop romanticising trauma – it has huge implications ]

Though the situation where I was stigmatised would end, I would continue it, repeatedly segregating myself from others and magnifying my own imperfections and inadequacies. The combination of stigmatisation and self-stigmatisation has halted my personal healing journey. Where I may have been able to build confidence sooner, still, at 25, I am struggling to have any form of compassion for myself.

Instead, I have beaten myself up and treated myself as an outcast; mimicking the behaviour of others who had stigmatised me in the past. Stigmatisation in all forms is incredibly damaging but it is important to be aware that how we treat others can affect how they treat themselves.

There needs to be more education on mental health difficulties, particularly those arising from issues such as self-esteem and confidence. Being compassionate and kind to others is one positive way to encourage sufferers to be that to themselves.