My boyfriend completely shuts down emotionally, and I don’t know how to help

Dear Roe,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been in a protracted process trying to separate from his wife, who was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have always understood that he finds it hard to communicate feelings and emotions, and he finds it very difficult to deal with me if I cry or am emotional. His vocabulary is limited to things like “Are you okay?” “You’ll be okay,” “I’m grand,” or “Ah sure look, it’ll be grand, things aren’t that bad.” Putting his head in the sand is his modus operandi. I’ve suggested he goes to therapy to open up about his past relationship and trauma. He’s tried to make an appointment but hasn’t had any luck, or hasn’t prioritised finding one. Either way, it upsets me that he doesn’t want to improve our communication and it’s starting to wear me down.

There appear to be two issues at play here that may be related, but are separate, and I think it would help you to approach them as such. One issue is your boyfriend’s individual healing and recovery from his previous relationship, and one is the lack of emotional communication within your relationship.

I completely understand why you see these issues as inextricable, and it would make sense that they are connected. Your boyfriend was in a relationship where his thoughts, feelings and opinions were not valued and may have been censored or even punished; he may have emotionally dissociated somewhat as protection from the abuse he was suffering; and he isn’t used to having a partner who genuinely wants to connect with and support him. All of these factors may contribute to his reticence in expressing himself.

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However, you cannot truly know what a side effect of his former relationship is, and what is simply his form of expression. Neither can you force him to seek out help or open up about his trauma to you or a professional – he has to be emotionally willing and ready to do that himself. He is an adult who knows that therapy exists, has a partner who is supportive, and is choosing not to go. As an individual, that is his right – and also, it’s important for you to accept the possibility that even if your boyfriend were to work on his own personal healing, it would not necessarily transform him into a very emotional communicator with you.

That’s why I think it’s important to separate his personal healing from your needs within your relationship. You cannot force your boyfriend to go to individual therapy, nor can you be responsible for undoing the damage done to him by his past relationship – but you can focus on your relationship with him. You can state your needs around communication and focus on improving that together and, in so doing, you will be modelling for your boyfriend what it looks like to express and advocate for your personal needs in a healthy, communicative way.

Firstly, if you are in or are thinking about going to therapy yourself, I’d encourage you to do so for a few reasons. It seems clear that you’ve taken on a lot of emotional responsibility within this relationship and aren’t getting the emotional support you need back, and so having someone to talk to about that, and learning how to prioritise your own needs and set boundaries could be helpful.

Also, making that commitment to look after yourself and then being open about that with your boyfriend could help destigmatise and demystify the whole process. For someone who is unfamiliar with therapy, it can feel intimidating and even judgmental to be told they need to go, but if you were to speak openly about how therapy helps your thought process and mental health, your boyfriend may slowly come to understand how it could benefit him.

Your boyfriend is not to blame for what happened to him, but he must take responsibility for his own healing

One thing you may need to start doing very explicitly is explaining to your boyfriend how his dismissals of your emotions is affecting you. Pick a time when you are both calm and in a good space and open up a conversation about how you would like your communication to be better, and how you need to feel more supported when going through something hard. Focus on “I” statements, telling him that if you are upset, being told that “you’ll be grand” makes you feel like you aren’t being listened to and your emotions are being dismissed. Explain that you feel much more supported when people ask you questions about the situation to show you that they are listening, engaged and that they care; when they validate your emotions, even with simple phrases like “that sounds really frustrating”; or when they ask how to be supportive, such as asking “Would you like advice, time to vent, or can we do something nice together to help make you feel better?”

These instructions may seem simple and intuitive to you, but if your boyfriend hasn’t seen this basic form of empathy and communication modelled for him in a relationship before, being as clear as possible is helpful. It’s also important to remember that in your boyfriend’s previous relationship, seeing his partner expressing emotions may have resulted in fights or further abuse, which might give him anxiety about saying the wrong thing when you are upset. Giving him a script that he can rely on, assuring him that when you are upset about something that you are not angry at him specifically, and then acknowledging when he makes an effort may help him feel safer and more comfortable when you get emotional.

This is Empathy And Healthy Communication 101, and starting this conversation may help to start shifting your communication issues out of their current rut. But remember, your boyfriend has to want to implement these changes, and he’s going to have to choose whether or not to make the effort to work on himself and his relationship with you. As with so many people who have experienced abuse, trauma or hardship, he is not to blame for what happened to him, but he must take responsibility for his own healing. If he chooses not to listen to your needs and work to support you the way you have supported him, it may simply be that he is a great man but not the partner you need. Your needs and wants matter, too. Don’t forget that while worrying about him.