Indira, Nepal: ‘I hope nobody has to go through the pain I went through’

[Part of the Inside:Out series marking the European Year for Development 2015]

As we enter peak wedding season in Ireland, brides and grooms will not only marry their partner but will also join another family. Across the world many brides will go one step further and move in with their husband’s families, due to poverty or simply tradition. In some cultures mother-in-laws will welcome their new daughters-in-law as part of the family and even help rear children. However, for other women their mothers-in-law take over every aspect of their lives from their everyday expenses to controlling how many children they have.

Here are some of their stories:

(- In conversation with Malati Maskey)

Indira who was born in Khanikhola Dhading, Nepal, got married at the age of 10 in 1971 and has five children. She describes her early days of marriage as normal. She recalls trying to impress her husband and in-laws (mother, father, brother, sister) in any way possible. Sobbing, she says all her efforts were in vain and even her husband never stood by.

Like most women, Indira had wished for care and support during her pregnancy but never got any, rather she was denied the facility to cook meals for herself sometimes going to bed hungry. Her mother-in-law was the head of the family and everybody followed her orders without complaining. She remembers going to the market on an empty stomach and upon arrival at home the only meal available would be bran porridge.

During the last month of her third pregnancy, Indira remembers the savage beating she received from her mother-in-law, allegedly because she had lost some money. Her neighbours came to her rescue, but not her family members. She delivered twins after thirteen days of the incident. One of the babies had a broken arm and the other suffered damage to its spine and, sadly, both lost their lives a few hours after they were born. Clearing her throat she says “I still vividly remember losing both my children. I hope nobody has to go through the pain I went through.” Having been denied proper care during pregnancy, made to carry heavy weights and a lack of proper healthy food resulted in the eventual collapse of her uterus, she says.

Now she herself is a mother-in-law and treats her daughter-in-law as her own daughter. She could not fight against the domestic violence when she was a girl, as she had no choice but to bear the injustice, but now she advises other women to stand up for their rights.

She is involved in a local women’s group called MMS, supported by ActionAid with Irish Aid funding. “This is my very first time being engaged in any such groups. While interacting with other women in the group I came to realise that I am not the only one who has suffered, others were also going through similar situations but no one should keep quiet and face the torture.”

Indira did not get any post-pregnancy care and even the newly born babies were pushed aside by her mother-in-law, saying they should not be touched. Now she says “I do everything for my daughter-in-law. I gave her proper post-natal care and none of the things that happened to me. All the untouchable beliefs are just superstition and nothing more”.

Indira’s mother-in-law is still alive but bed ridden and Indira takes care of her.

Child marriage is still practiced in Nepal but is becoming less common as the country develops.

ActionAid Ireland

ActionAid Ireland was established in 1983 and is a member of the ActionAid International Federation, with offices in 45 countries around the globe.

ActionAid has been partnering with Irish Aid for nearly 20 years. What started as a small-scale support for small initiatives has developed into a strong women’s rights programme being implemented in four countries: Malawi, Kenya, Vietnam and Nepal and is focused on ending violence against women and ensuring that women and girls can break the cycle of poverty and violence.

The Irish Aid-funded women’s rights programme supports local women’s groups to empower them to stand up for their rights in their own communities. In order to be able to do so they are, for example, provided with training and participation in businesses or cooperatives to gain financial independence, support their families and break their cycle of poverty and violence. However, these initiatives need to be sustainable and this cannot be done without national-level activities that challenge and change existing national policies negatively affecting women and girls, which ActionAid also work on.

One tool that we give to the women’s groups is the Reflect Circle Approach, where members sit in a circle and share their experiences; learn the basics of literacy, how to access information and how to demand their rights to different services more effectively. Reflect Circles have been shown to strengthen people’s dignity and self-confidence, as well as having an impact on improving health practices, children’s education and local community organisation.

Read more at actionaid.ie