‘Spare the wench. Marian Keyes gave me a good steer on a party dress’

I’m a great woman for worrying. Increasingly, one of the things that’s gnawing at my peace of mind is the possibility of an anti-capitalism revolution. See, I’ve noticed that, especially among young people, there’s been a rejection of wild, spend-spend-spend consumerism. So yes, my fear is that a frugal bunch of mend-and-make-do rebels will seize control and publicly shame the most flaithiúileach Irish people. Because I’m bound to be one of them.

I have visions of being clapped in irons on a high chair in Dundrum Town Centre, having all my online purchases listed over a loudhailer. Judgy citizens, dressed in home-made hemp tunics, will gasp in horror at each new item. "An electric toothbrush! Four place mats, which did look like sunflowers! A blue rucksack, too small to be useful! A white hat with stupid cat ears which she never wore! Harlot's eyeliner! All bought in a single day in October in the year of our Lord 2018!"

I’d be weakly calling: “I sent the rucksack and the place mats back! The toothbrush and eyeliner were necessities. The only thing that was wanton waste was the hat!” But no one would care.

On a single afternoon in October 2018, she did wilfully waste one hour and 17 minutes scrolling on Asos and a shameful two hours, threee minutes on Net-a-Porter!

Not only would my emails and credit-card statements become public property, but some young whizz would manage to reconstruct the amount of time I spent looking at things online. "On a single afternoon in October 2018, she did wilfully waste one hour and 17 minutes scrolling on Asos, 43 minutes clicking on pink leopard-skin brothel creepers and a truly shameful two hours, threee minutes on Net-a-Porter!"

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Incriminatory character witnesses would be provided. "M'lud, I did spot her at the Frida Kahlo exhibition in that city of sin, London. With unseemly haste, she did hurry from the exhibits into the shop, where she could not divest her money fast enough on souvenirs and postcards."

Most damning of all. "She did write a weekly article in the newspaper, where she boasted of her spendy ways and exhorted good, thrifty people to join in her wasteful habits."

It will be terrible . . .

Anyway! Good, thrifty people, let me exhort you to join in my wasteful habits. Do you know about Kitri?

Oh, I love it! Based in London, Kitri is a small team of designers who, frustrated at not being able to find well-made, distinctive items at prices which wouldn't break the bank, pooled their talents. They make beautiful, wearable, high-quality clothes, and there are no middlemen, which keeps the prices down.

Each item is a limited edition, which lessens the chances of meeting someone wearing your dress. The downside of this is that pieces sell out fairly fast, but there’s a new drop every week.

When the revolution comes, please remember me telling you about this. Maybe one of you will shout from the crowd: “Nay! Spare the wench. For she did give me a good steer on the dress for my Christmas party.”