‘My boyfriend said he’d like a threesome. Am I a prude if I say no?’

Dear Roe,

I have been seeing a guy for two years. I am in my late 20s, he is slightly older and it has been, from the start, a fun and happy relationship. We get on very well, we have met each other’s friends and family. We have great chemistry and our sex life has been good. I’m a bit more shy – maybe more prudish – than my boyfriend, at least that’s how I feel sometimes when he suggests new ideas. He recently suggested that, at some stage, he would like us to try a threesome (with another girl). He hasn’t said with anyone specific, it’s seems to be more like a fantasy that he has, that we could find someone online together. I don’t feel this is something I want to do, but am wondering am I being too conservative. I am afraid to say it to my friends because I don’t want them to think less of my boyfriend or to reveal too much about our relationship. I also am afraid this may mean our sex life may not be what he wants it to be. I asked him if this is an idea influenced by porn and he said it isn’t, it’s just something he has always wanted to try. My instinct is to say no, I don’t want to involve another person in our relationship or to complicate matters. On the other hand, I feel like whenever I have asked him to do things for me, he always tried to say yes to me. Can you give me your advice?

Sometimes I read letters and I feel so exhausted by the endless, ever-present expectations that weigh so heavily on straight women. (I am also aware and exhausted by the endless, ever-present expectations that weigh so heavily on men, but this letter is from a woman and so it’s those specifically gendered contours that we’re talking about now. Empathy is not pie or fossil fuel; giving some to one group does not mean there’s less for others. All clear? Good, let’s carry on.)

There are so many relentless, conflicting messages sent to women about what it means to be a good woman, a good girlfriend, a good wife. Don’t sleep around or you’re not relationship material, but don’t withhold sex because that’s conservative and manipulative. Say exactly what you want in bed, even though you may not know, but also don’t be demanding. Prioritise those orgasms, but his orgasm is actually the pinnacle of sex so focus on that, because if he doesn’t reach orgasm, you’re a failure, whereas if you don’t achieve orgasm you must be the one with issues. Give endless oral sex and have as much penetrative sex as possible even though this may not bring you pleasure, but make sure that you’re enjoying (or at least seem to be enjoying) the stuff that brings him pleasure, because that will bring him more pleasure.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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Don’t be threatened by porn, but also don’t mimic porn because men don’t want you to fake anything, but don’t blame him if he mimics porn then expects you to enjoy it, even if you don’t. Don’t be too kinky because that can be intimidating and marks you as not relationship material, but once you’re in a relationship, you better be kinky because you owe him exciting sex for the rest of your lives. If you get pregnant, don’t blame him if he desexualises you, but once you have the baby, you better get back to sex quickly because he’s been doing without for so long. If your children are constantly touching you and you have no desire for sex and just want your body to feel like your own again, make yourself have sex anyway because you sex life isn’t your own, it’s yours and your partner’s.

[ Emotional checklist for first-time sexual experiences: ‘Liking someone is not enough’ ]

It’s just never-ending. And now, there’s this awful cultural trend that has hijacked and completely manipulated the term “sex positive” to twist it from referring to a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual, into a completely self-serving remit that states “if you don’t do exactly what I want in bed, you’re sex negative and a prude”. There has been a deliberate manipulation that has occurred, that has twisted the idea that if someone is having sex, they have the right to expect that sex to be consensual, respectful, and hopefully enjoyable; into the outright dangerous idea that everyone has the right to sex – and not just sex, but the exact sex life they want. This idea fuels entitlement and violence, and the danger of this sense of entitlement to not just sex, but particular forms of kinky sex, is becoming pervasive among young men, and really needs to be tackled head-on.

You don’t ever need to have a threesome with your partner if you don’t want to. I absolutely understand and respect his desire for one, it’s a common fantasy, and being interested in it isn’t a problem. But let’s be clear: he does not need a threesome, he wants one, and that is an important distinction. We don’t get everything we want. And he can want a relationship with you, and he can want a threesome, and if he can’t have both, he is an adult who can decide which is more important to him and make that decision. He will survive either way. I also would be interested to hear what he would have to say if you said that you wanted a threesome with another man, and whether his belief that fantasies should always become realities holds strong.

In his defence, I will say that it’s unclear from your letter whether he has actually been pressuring you for this, or whether he has expressed an interest in it, and you have internalised this as pressure, believing that it’s your duty to fulfil his every need as soon as it is uttered. If he’s just expressed a general interest in the idea “someday”, then you don’t really have a problem. Tell him that’s not something you’re interested in. It might be interesting for you to think yourself about whether it’s something you’d be interested in, or simply not now – but be honest about that. There are some things that are absolute, lifelong no-go’s for people, which is fine, and things that they’re not interested in now for a variety of reasons including the duration and strength of the relationship, previous experiences, their own experience of their body and others, which may or may not change over time.

If you were getting married, I’d say these conversations become more important, simply because I think committing to being sexually and romantically monogamous is a big deal. If you’re deciding that, I think it’s important to be upfront about what sexual desires both of you really do want to explore, and what your deal-breakers are, so you can make informed decisions and try to be generous partners to each other (while understanding that minds and desires change over time). But you’re young and he’s mentioned this in passing, so don’t stress to much about it. Instead, think about why you feel such pressure to fulfil every desire that passes through his mind, and open up conversations with him about that internalised pressure that you feel, and the importance of a relationship where both of your boundaries and desires are equally prioritised. If he loves women so much that he wants sex with two of them, let’s first see how he does listening to and understanding one.